When the confusion starts messing with the brain....

Is it normal to be very exited and happy one moment and then be sad and confused an hour later?
What makes a person give up their perfect and ideal life and jump to unknown waters?
Who is controlling our thoughts and mind? It seems that it's not the owner of the mind....

I feel like I'm starting to have some kind of personality disorder. Or stress? Even positive stress can be very exhausting.

I've dealt with the stuff connected to me leaving the country for the whole past week. Now I even don't want to know any more and still I check my e-mail every day to see if there are any news. Addicted? Hell no, I just want to know more. But is it good to know so much? I mean, if I know too much, I have a clear vision on what's coming. But what if my vision is wrong? What if the reality is going to be completely different? I cannot overthink right now.

Last weekend I had my pre-dep training. It was in Tallinn, Pirita TOP SPA hotel. I took off from the village at 6, having had only about 3hrs or less sleep altogether the previous night. I've no idea. It wasn't about being exited. It was maybe just the fact that the first part of the big adventure is about to begin. The preparative part. Anyway. In the training there were only 8 people including me. And 2 trainers. From the very beginning we started dealing with our emotions. All the future-EVS people had gotten their answer later than me. Some of them only couple of weeks before the training. And they were about to leave the country already two days after the training. For them everything was such a hurry. Of course, there were people whose EVS will start in April, but I seemed to know the most about my project. During the training we talked about emotions, cultural shock, expectations, wishes etc. It was all about analyzing ourselves and preparing our minds for the EVS. In the evening we went to sauna and swimming. And we talked about each other and found out more. There was a girl from my youth club whom I didn't know much before but I got to know her better now. She will go to Kenya. For 6 months. I'm glad about the pre-dep. Now there are people I know who will go through similar stuff at the same time as me and they are from my homecountry. We've got our own group in fb already and it's really giving a lot of support and self-confidence. One girl came to our pre-dep to talk about her EVS. She was the EVS whose blog I had read for the whole previous year. It was so great to see her and hear her real emotions and feelings about her project. Blogs can give such a wrong impression of things. It depends on how often you post and which mood you're usually in, when you post.... In the pre-dep I found out about AXA, which is my ensurance that I have now already done, I also got some tips to make my leaving and packing easier. And tips on how to make the most of my time during EVS.

After the pre-dep I went back to the village because me and M were supposed to have a leaving party. Is it just me or is it normal to think that when you're organizing the party, it doesn't go always as well as I hoped for it to go. Or does it seem to anyone else also that despite your efforts the party still goes a lot worse than expected. I mean, in our party there wasn't a lot of dancing. It was more like a funeral mood. We sang karaoke and I don't know if the inhabs and the co-inhabs enjoyed the party very much. To me it seemed to be a depressing funeral-alike party. We did't dance much, I was trying to cheer everybody up, but it didn't work out. Still, everybody loved the karaoke. And the tattoo-stuff also. After the official part we also had the non-official part. It wasn't either as great as I had expected. I don't know. Maybe it was as great as it is usually but I was too much affected by my mood and was trying too hard to make it better than any other party? Maybe I'm thinking too much.... Oh, and everybody were teasing me about my blog. Of course it was a joke, or at least I hope it was. I really make the blog mostly for myself. And I really don't care if there are 5 or 50 readers of the blog. This is about me and my memories. And if anyone finds things in my blog useful for them, then good for them. It makes me even happier...

On Monday I went to Tartu. I saw the village-Tartu-apartement and went home after that. I went to choir and started packing my belongings. On Tuesday afternoon I went to NRG. About that trip I have already written. On Wednesday me and K packed most of our stuff and cooked and then I went to the choir singing. It took place in TÜ main house auditorium and it was so great. The acoustics of this room are absolutely amazing and when all the choirs started to sing, then the sound that came, was just undescribable. For hearing this sound again I'm ready to work for the whole year and practice songs. Just for those couple of hours. I want, or actually I need to be part of this sound. It is magical. So we sang there for about two hours and all the choirs knew the songs pretty well, so the rehearsal went faster than we expected. Then we had a little break and all the choirs had to sing one song in front of everybody. It was some kind of first evaluation for the choirs. I hope it went well for us. We got a good song. It's been haunting me actually for two days already. I can't get the tune out of my head.

After the rehearsal I returned home and soon afterwards arrived my friends. We had a leaving party with my closest friends. It was really great and I got two bracelets from my friends. Unfortunately I lost the bracelet that L gave me couple of months ago probably in the swimming pool last Thursday. I'm still sad about it..... So instead of three bracelets, I've got two. My friends also gave me a framed picture of us all together. I will definetely take it with me to UK. K gave me a souvenir liquor bottle that is shaped as a violin. It's really cute-looking.
After a while we all decided to go to Zavood. It was a very rainy night, but we didn't care. We had sweet time over there. And I discovered that I should give K something to drink more often- he turns so sweet, all-time-hugging-person then. He should be like this all the time! We met some people from NRG in the pub also. One of them asked me in a very surprising way, that what am I still doing here. Yeah, exactly. What am I doing here?

The following day we moved out of my apartement. I had no sad feelings about it. I guess I haven't realised yet, that I can't go to my sweer apartement any more. Right now it still feels like I could go there always.

I've booked my flight on the morning of the 3rd of March. My parents asked me how I'm gonna get to the airport. They weren't even considering taking me there. It's what I wished deep in my heart but I thought I'm gonna have a fight over the topic with them. But I guess not. Maybe they are already also fed up with my EVS stuff? I would understand them....

Right now I am fed up with all of it. I've practically cancelled my perfect life in here and now have 3 weeks left. And today another person asked me what I am still doing here, in Estonia. I know they don't mean it bad, but to me it still feels bad. I mean, I'm like delaying and delaying my stuff in here. Of course, a lot of people are happy that I'm not gone yet and the people asking me those questions are just asking. But it makes me feel a bit guilty that I'm still here. I should get going already.
And at the same time I don't want to go.
But I guess the I-want-to-go part in me is stronger.

Right now the happy and sad feeling change so fast that I can't even make the difference. Maybe it's already kind of stress? But I know, it's the positive stress. Negative would make me depressed, but sure as hell, I'm not.

I'm also tired. I will go to sleep now. Good night.