2/26/2011

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“No matter how upside down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: life is crazily in love with us — wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.” ~Rob Brezny

Great hugs to Kaie, who found this quote.

Don't stop me now- Queen

2

It's now only 5 days left 'til I leave. I'm already more than exited about going. I've got nothing to do in here. People are already looking at me like "Go already!". And I really want to go.
The packing is pretty much a headache. I haven't started yet, but I've collected things I want to take with me. It's gonna be a miracle when I will actually make them fit into my small bag. I've bought Estonian chocolate, some sinep and a bit of a knitwork. And that's it.
My relatives visited me couple of days ago and I went to my friend's birthday party yesterday. Some sauna today and then that's basically it. 4,5 days.

I know that Gaye (my co-EVS) will arrive couple of weeks later than me. I know that the weather is going to be colder there as I get there. And in here it's getting warmer again. I guess I'll take some of the cold with me to UK.

But that's all find with me.

The most important thing is, that I will go! My biggest dream since childhood is finally becoming true. "Don't stop me now" is a perfect song to describe what I feel now :)

2/24/2011

2/22/2011

Money can't buy life- Bob Marley

2

Couple of weeks ago my sister wanted me to recommend some interesting topics for a research she has to make in her school. As she is very fond of music, I thought automatically that it should somehow be connected to it. But my sister likes classical music. So I figured she should do a research about the music she does not know much of. Rock music or something like that. My kind of music....
I had just read from one article in the newspapers about the "27 club" which was about musicians who never got older than 27. Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and some more. When I thought about the topic I thought my sis should do a research about famous musicians who died from unnatural deaths like drug abuse or alcohol or committed suicide. There are loads of them and I could have counted many already to her as I know a lot about it.
So today I found out that my sister decided to do a research about this topic. She told me she needed a bit help because she didn't know many. My mom started counting some people and I added some more. Then I told I will look into my "Guitar Gods" book because I could get a lot of names from there. I got into this thing very much today. I started making a list about famous musicians who didn't die the natural way.... I googled and found many similar lists. And oh, there were so many people. I already knew pretty many people who died of drug abuse, because I listen to rock music, and that's the music style where people involved with it, die the most. It is scary and horrifying to make such lists but at the same time it's so damn interesting. I found out so many interesting things about bands and people.

So.... I will share the list I created in here, too. To some names, I will add the band names. To some names I will add the names of the autobiographical movies I have seen and can recommend....

I will start with the most important musicians to me.
  • Buddy Holly- died in an airplane crash on the 2nd of February 1959 (The so called "Day that the music died), The movie to watch is "The Buddy Holly Story".
  • Ritchie Valens - died in the same airplane crash, The movie to watch is "La Bamba"
  • The Big Bopper- died in the same airplane crash
  • Jimi Hendrix- drowned into his own vomit, the cause was drinking and drugs, conspiracy theories say that he might have been murdered or drowned in a wine(I have seen some kind of documentary about one conspiracy theory, can't recall the name of it)
  • Kurt Cobain- killed himself in 1994, some people say that he got into this mental stage because of his wife Courtney Love, also some conspiracy theories suggest that he was too high on drugs to kill himself
  • Jim Morrison- The singer of The Doors, died in the bath of his home, his girlfriend found him, the movie to watch is "The Doors"
  • Hillel Slovak- The guitarist of The Red Hot Chili Peppers, died of drug abuse, the book to read is "Scar Tissue" which is the autobiography of Anthony Kiedis
  • Ian Curtis - The singer of Joy Division, hung himself, the movie to watch is "Control"
  • Jeff Buckley- drowned in 1997
  • Tim Buckley- died of drug abuse
  • Eddie Cochran- died in a car accident in London in 1960 soon after releasing a song "Three stars" dedicated to Buddy, Ritchie and Big Bopper
  • Brian Jones- The Rolling Stones, drowned at his pool, probably killed by the main builder of his house, The movie to watch is "Stoned"
  • Nick Drake- died of the abuse of antidepressants, probably killed himself, suffered from depression during his life
  • Dennis Wilson- The Beach Boys, drowned
  • Gene Vincent- died of alcohol consumption
  • Sid Vicious- Sex Pistols, died of drug abuse
  • Bon Scott- AC/DC, died of alcohol consumption
  • Elvis Presley- died of drug abuse
  • Freddie Mercury- Queen, died of AIDS the day after he revealed he had the disease
  • John Lennon- The Beatles, murdered, there are a lot of books made about it, I have read "Outspoken about Lennon" (I hope this is the translation)
  • John Bonham- Led Zeppelin, died of alcohol consumption
  • Johnny Cash- died of the complications of diabetes, probably also because of the grief over the death of his wife couple of months earlies, movie to watch is "Walk the line"
  • Keith Moon- The Who, died of drug abuse
  • Bob Marley- died of cancer (although he doesn't fit into this list that well, I think I should put him here, because his death was a tragedy and actually unnatural, too. Not caused by himself or anybody else, but still violent.)
  • George Harrison- The Beatles, died of lung cancer (just to respect the man who wrote such amazing songs as "While my guitar gently weeps" and "Here comes the sun")
  • Janis Joplin- the overdose of heroin
  • Michael Jackson- the overdose of medical treatment (I had to put him to the part where are important people to me; the man is just a legend)
  • Blind Lemon Jefferson- froze to death/suffered from a heart attack at the back seat of his car (the cause of death unsure)

Now I will just count some more people whose names I got from different lists and my book. In the beginning are the names whose way of death had the biggest effect to me- either surprising or shocking or who used to be in the bands I admire.
  • Stuart Sutcliffe- The Beatles (was 2 years in the band, the so-called 5th Beatle), died of cerebral hemorrage
  • Carlton Barret- The Wailers, murdered
  • Peter Tosh- The Wailers, murdered
  • Mike Bloomfield- drug abuse
  • Clarence White- The Byrds, Kentucky Colonels- was killed by a drunk driver
  • Gram Parsons- The Byrds- died of drug abuse
  • Michael Hutchence- INXS, committed suicide
  • Pete de Freitas- Echo & The Bunnymen, died in a motorcycle accident

The shocking deaths to me:
  • Ronnie van Zant- Lynyrd Skynyrd, died in an airplane crash
  • Cassie Gaines- Lynyrd Skynyrd, died in the same accident
  • Steven Gaines- Lynyrd Skynyrd, died in the same accident
  • Allen Collins- Lynyrd Skynyrd, died of pneumonia
  • Keith Relf- The Yardbirds, was electrocuted
  • Robert Johnson- was poisoned with strychnine
Just some more deaths that I wrote up:
  • James Honeyman- The Pretenders, died of drug abuse
  • Pete Farndon- The Pretenders, died of drug abuse
  • Marvin Gaye- murdered
  • Cliff Burton- Metallica, died in a car accident
  • Aaliyah- died in a plane crash
  • Ike Turner- Rhythm Kings, Ike&Tina Turner, died of cocain overdose
  • Eddie Hazel- Funkadelic, died of internal bleeding and liver failure
  • Barrie B.J. Wilson- Procol Harum, died in a car accident
  • Paul Williams- The Temptations, suicide
  • David Ruffin- The Temptations, died of drug abuse
  • Gary Thain- Uriah Heep, died of drug abuse
  • Randy Rhoads- Quiet Riot, Ozzy Osbourne, died in a plane crash
  • Jonathan Melvoin- The Smashing Pumpkins, died of drug abuse
  • Gregory Herbert- Blood, Sweat and Tears, died of drug abuse
  • Paul Kossoff- Free, died of a heart attack caused by drug abuse
  • Charlie Christian- died of drug abuse
  • Jerry Garcia- Grateful Dead, died heart failure caused by heroin abuse
  • Guitar Slim- died of alcohol consumption
  • Karen Carpenter- The Carpenters, anorexia
  • Duane Allman- Allman Joys/Hour Glass, died in a motorbike accident
  • Stevie Ray Vaughan- Double Trouble, died in a helicopter accident
Of course, this is a small list of famous musicians who have died tragically.
Here are the links to the places I got most of the names from. There are many more names.....

http://www.av1611.org/rockdead.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club

http://www.classicbands.com/heaven.html

2/21/2011

Travelling with music vol. 3

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While listening to music today I remembered all of a sudden that I have made in my blog the thing I call travelling with music. And I thought I should do it again. This time I chose a song that most of the people know and probably know the lyrics, too, but which is a great song to travel with. At least for me.

Travelling with music is this kind of thing where you just go with the flow. You just listen to the music and go wherever it takes you. You will see a picture or a scene that's completely created by your mind. It's a rather interesting thing to do.

So to remind the rules:
Close your eyes and listen to the music. Don't watch the video. Just focus on the music. As a whole. Don't listen to lyrics separatedly- they might distract your vision. Whatever a person sees, is individual. After the track has finished playing write into comments, what you saw. Don't read the comments of other people before listening to the track. They might distract you.

There's nothing wrong if people don't see anything during this track because some people don't simply see anything or they are just distracted by lyrics or know the song too well...

I will post my vision into comments.

Halo

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I went to see a band named Mono about a year ago to Plink Plonk with my friends. I really enjoyed the concert because it was so different to the ones that I usually go.
I downloaded the band's artwork into my computer and from time to time discover it from my playlist. And every time I discover the band, it brings me back the memories of a guy singing "Tartu march" and talking about getting to nirvana and the reasons why he wants to get there. It seemed that his way to get there was to do some dope. But.... back to the band. I just thought I should share a piece of their music in my blog. Just some music to enjoy and relax with.

Elections in the Estonian way....

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Every time I see the advertisements related to elections in the internet, TV, newspapers or on the streets, I get sick. All the partys are trying to beat each other. Everything that happens in our country, will be involved into elections. The fire in the children's home yesterday is today taken into elections. One party is flouting the other. Everything is about blaming each other for the problems of the country.
And then the candidates for the parliament. I can't even decide which person to choose. Of course, there are true politicians and smart guys who want to be the members of the parliament or government, but then there are some people from TV or music industry or the editors of magazines who want to lead our country. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Some kind of stars from Estonian soap operas or bands going to rule our country? What the hell....
All the blaming and candidates and the childishness of the elections in Estonia just make me feel so disgusted. Our country has turned more and more childish with every new election we have. Is it like this in other countries also?
Sick.

Who is there to even vote for? For people who know almost nothing about politics and ruling the country or for the people who know about ruling the country but act childish and blame every opponent for the problems of the country?
Welcome to Estonia?!

2/20/2011

The tragedy.

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When it's cold in here, then a lot of people tend to exaggerate with heating and there are more fires and houses burn down.
Today there was a fire in one children's home in Haapsalu. 10 children died in it. All the children in this facility had mental disabilities and the ones that died weren't able to move and were stuck in beds. It is awful when things like this happen to the people who don't deserve it. I mean- firstly, the place that took fire was a home for many children who were abandoned by their parents because of their disabilities or the children were in this facility because the parents couldn't cope with their descendants themselves. Secondly- the children who died in the fire, could do nothing to save themselves. They probably didn't even understand what was happening....
Accidents of this kind make me feel very sad.

2/16/2011

Buses in Estonia suck.

3

I just checked the bus times to Tallinn to be sure that the 11 pm bus goes on the 2nd of March.
And guess what? It doesn't go! So my options are to go with a bus that costs double the prize and will be in Tallinn at 05:10 which means 1,5 hours before my plane will leave or to go with the 9pm bus which is the latest the previous day.
When I go with the bus on the night of the 3rd my chances of missing the plane are pretty much existing. Although 1,5 hours in Tallinn airport is more than enough time to catch the plane, I can never be sure whether the bus will arrive at the exact time and will not break on the road.
And when I go with the 9pm bus, then I will have a lot of time in the airport to try to sleep. And it's exactly trying to sleep because the benches in the airport are made of metal, are very uncomfortable and it's cold to sleep there.
Right now I started thinking about L telling me that he'll come to Tallinn with me to send me away.... In the beginning I completely rejected this offer because it's pointless for him. Well, it's pointless for him now anyway but it has some kind of point to me... More than it had before.

But no, I guess I will not force anyone to come to Tallinn with me. And I will not ask it either. It's better that way.... I mean, people have their own lives to live. I'll go and live mine.

2/15/2011

Martyrs (Trailer)

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I just watched an extremely psychotic movie. It's name is Martyrs and it's a French movie.
Right now I have difficulties describing it, but I'll try to do it before the feeling and emotions will fade.
This movie was probably the most challenging movie for me to watch. I wanted to hit the stop button while watching the movie all the time but something kept me going on. I was horrified during the whole 1:35 hours that I watched it. My feelings right now are confusion, disgust, sadness, despair, surprise... I just can't believe what I saw. I can't decide whether to recommend this movie to anybody to watch or not. It is hypnotizing me right now. I can't think of anything after seeing this movie. I have no idea what kept me from shutting the movie, but it was something powerful. In the beginning of the movie, it seemed to be some kind of a thing from horror genre, but then it turned weirder and weirder.... I had no idea what was going on during the first 30 minutes in the movie, but as the scenarios went on, I started to understand what was happening. And I can't understand right now what kind of person would make a movie like this. What was the author thinking? Why? Why? Why? What was going on in the mind of the person who came up with this kind of thing?

I just can't. I'm speechless. I can't describe what was going on in the movie, because it's hard to put it into words. If someone I knew, deciedes to watch it, then I'd like to know their opinion. But I'm not sure if I can discuss the movie with anybody. Seriously. I'm puzzled by it and I can't still tell whether to recommend the movie to anyone. If a person has good nerves and tolerates a lot of weird hardcore surreal movies that are messing with the brain, then please, go ahead and watch the movie. But otherwize, I don't think it's probably the best idea to watch it. It's just so f***ed up movie. I have never seen anything like that. Maybe something of a kind is "A tale of two sisters" but that movie is not nowhere even close. Same genre maybe.

Enough. I don't want anymore. I don't know what I want right now. I'm so confused about everything. I would like to just sit and stare the candles burning in my room. I would stare the light with blank eyes and no thoughts in my mind. Like a vegetable.

This movie turned has turned me into a vegetable.

Shock?! I think I'm in this stage right now.... Psychological shock I would guess. I guess I now have a glimpse of the feeling that people get when they are in shock stage after trauma? The movie was definetely a trauma to me.

Here's the trailer:




I think it speaks for itself.

2/07/2011

2/04/2011

When the confusion starts messing with the brain....

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Is it normal to be very exited and happy one moment and then be sad and confused an hour later?
What makes a person give up their perfect and ideal life and jump to unknown waters?
Who is controlling our thoughts and mind? It seems that it's not the owner of the mind....

I feel like I'm starting to have some kind of personality disorder. Or stress? Even positive stress can be very exhausting.

I've dealt with the stuff connected to me leaving the country for the whole past week. Now I even don't want to know any more and still I check my e-mail every day to see if there are any news. Addicted? Hell no, I just want to know more. But is it good to know so much? I mean, if I know too much, I have a clear vision on what's coming. But what if my vision is wrong? What if the reality is going to be completely different? I cannot overthink right now.

Last weekend I had my pre-dep training. It was in Tallinn, Pirita TOP SPA hotel. I took off from the village at 6, having had only about 3hrs or less sleep altogether the previous night. I've no idea. It wasn't about being exited. It was maybe just the fact that the first part of the big adventure is about to begin. The preparative part. Anyway. In the training there were only 8 people including me. And 2 trainers. From the very beginning we started dealing with our emotions. All the future-EVS people had gotten their answer later than me. Some of them only couple of weeks before the training. And they were about to leave the country already two days after the training. For them everything was such a hurry. Of course, there were people whose EVS will start in April, but I seemed to know the most about my project. During the training we talked about emotions, cultural shock, expectations, wishes etc. It was all about analyzing ourselves and preparing our minds for the EVS. In the evening we went to sauna and swimming. And we talked about each other and found out more. There was a girl from my youth club whom I didn't know much before but I got to know her better now. She will go to Kenya. For 6 months. I'm glad about the pre-dep. Now there are people I know who will go through similar stuff at the same time as me and they are from my homecountry. We've got our own group in fb already and it's really giving a lot of support and self-confidence. One girl came to our pre-dep to talk about her EVS. She was the EVS whose blog I had read for the whole previous year. It was so great to see her and hear her real emotions and feelings about her project. Blogs can give such a wrong impression of things. It depends on how often you post and which mood you're usually in, when you post.... In the pre-dep I found out about AXA, which is my ensurance that I have now already done, I also got some tips to make my leaving and packing easier. And tips on how to make the most of my time during EVS.

After the pre-dep I went back to the village because me and M were supposed to have a leaving party. Is it just me or is it normal to think that when you're organizing the party, it doesn't go always as well as I hoped for it to go. Or does it seem to anyone else also that despite your efforts the party still goes a lot worse than expected. I mean, in our party there wasn't a lot of dancing. It was more like a funeral mood. We sang karaoke and I don't know if the inhabs and the co-inhabs enjoyed the party very much. To me it seemed to be a depressing funeral-alike party. We did't dance much, I was trying to cheer everybody up, but it didn't work out. Still, everybody loved the karaoke. And the tattoo-stuff also. After the official part we also had the non-official part. It wasn't either as great as I had expected. I don't know. Maybe it was as great as it is usually but I was too much affected by my mood and was trying too hard to make it better than any other party? Maybe I'm thinking too much.... Oh, and everybody were teasing me about my blog. Of course it was a joke, or at least I hope it was. I really make the blog mostly for myself. And I really don't care if there are 5 or 50 readers of the blog. This is about me and my memories. And if anyone finds things in my blog useful for them, then good for them. It makes me even happier...

On Monday I went to Tartu. I saw the village-Tartu-apartement and went home after that. I went to choir and started packing my belongings. On Tuesday afternoon I went to NRG. About that trip I have already written. On Wednesday me and K packed most of our stuff and cooked and then I went to the choir singing. It took place in TÜ main house auditorium and it was so great. The acoustics of this room are absolutely amazing and when all the choirs started to sing, then the sound that came, was just undescribable. For hearing this sound again I'm ready to work for the whole year and practice songs. Just for those couple of hours. I want, or actually I need to be part of this sound. It is magical. So we sang there for about two hours and all the choirs knew the songs pretty well, so the rehearsal went faster than we expected. Then we had a little break and all the choirs had to sing one song in front of everybody. It was some kind of first evaluation for the choirs. I hope it went well for us. We got a good song. It's been haunting me actually for two days already. I can't get the tune out of my head.

After the rehearsal I returned home and soon afterwards arrived my friends. We had a leaving party with my closest friends. It was really great and I got two bracelets from my friends. Unfortunately I lost the bracelet that L gave me couple of months ago probably in the swimming pool last Thursday. I'm still sad about it..... So instead of three bracelets, I've got two. My friends also gave me a framed picture of us all together. I will definetely take it with me to UK. K gave me a souvenir liquor bottle that is shaped as a violin. It's really cute-looking.
After a while we all decided to go to Zavood. It was a very rainy night, but we didn't care. We had sweet time over there. And I discovered that I should give K something to drink more often- he turns so sweet, all-time-hugging-person then. He should be like this all the time! We met some people from NRG in the pub also. One of them asked me in a very surprising way, that what am I still doing here. Yeah, exactly. What am I doing here?

The following day we moved out of my apartement. I had no sad feelings about it. I guess I haven't realised yet, that I can't go to my sweer apartement any more. Right now it still feels like I could go there always.

I've booked my flight on the morning of the 3rd of March. My parents asked me how I'm gonna get to the airport. They weren't even considering taking me there. It's what I wished deep in my heart but I thought I'm gonna have a fight over the topic with them. But I guess not. Maybe they are already also fed up with my EVS stuff? I would understand them....

Right now I am fed up with all of it. I've practically cancelled my perfect life in here and now have 3 weeks left. And today another person asked me what I am still doing here, in Estonia. I know they don't mean it bad, but to me it still feels bad. I mean, I'm like delaying and delaying my stuff in here. Of course, a lot of people are happy that I'm not gone yet and the people asking me those questions are just asking. But it makes me feel a bit guilty that I'm still here. I should get going already.
And at the same time I don't want to go.
But I guess the I-want-to-go part in me is stronger.

Right now the happy and sad feeling change so fast that I can't even make the difference. Maybe it's already kind of stress? But I know, it's the positive stress. Negative would make me depressed, but sure as hell, I'm not.

I'm also tired. I will go to sleep now. Good night.

2/01/2011

NRG

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Today has been a really emotional day. In the morning I was packing and now I just came back from NRG. It was so great to go there. In the beginning when me, K&K went there, I called to us to ask if she will come to the bus stop to welcome us. And then she was welcoming us. She jumped to hug me and it was so great. I hadn't seen her since last spring. So we all went to hostal. When we registered ourselves downstairs then the lady over there was so happy to see us. She remembered us! She was interested in what we're doing and studying. After a small chat we went upstairs to 401*. I's room looked almost the same but my old room was so different. I mean the walls had still flowers on them but the furniture was located too differently from the way that we had had it. We also went to say hello to K and K. K had asked his friend to make us a cake. So sweet of him! So we all went back to my old room where we drank tea and chatted a while. After that we went to the schoolhouse to see if anything had changed. Obviously not.
We also went to the old hostal to see mine&K's old room and K's old room, too. My room looked the same. Or well, the furniture was differently. But the walls were still the same way that I painted them. And even the floor was this ugly black colour that I once made it. And it was so much dejavu when I walked into the room, because the situation in the room was the same that it was once when I lived in that room.... And I heard from the girl who was living in the room, that she likes the room very much and is not going to change the walls. I also heard positive words for the room from many people who are now living in the hostal.
K's old room had different colour on the floor, but the lemon tree was still painted on the door. And the radiator was pink.
I also went to see the shower room and the washing room and it hadn't changed a bit. There were still plants growing on the pipes of the sinks and there were more plants than the last time I visited. The showers didn't seem to work properly either.
Oh, during the whole time I stayed there, I felt like home. Nothing had changed, only the people.
I hope that the usual delay of the renovation will last for ages because every time I go to NRG I have the feeling of recognition and it's so great! It brings back all the memories... And I really love it! Home, sweet home.

Nothing changes in NRG. Nothing has changed since the house was built. :)

The packing

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I just started to pack together the things in my apartement. Every thing I put into bags and suitcases makes me feel more and more miserable. It's so hard to pack together my amazing life I've had for the last 1,5 years in this apartement. So many memories, such great time. I just finished with one shelf. And it's just the beginning.
I've been doing EVS stuff for 4 days already. I had my pre-dep last weekend, had the leaving party with M in the village and am now packing. And I will have the ticket bought today. I will leave on the 3rd of March. I've already chosen the flights, now we (me and my youth club) just have to wait for the answer if the ticket is okay, from my host org.
Hard.
Very hard.
And my heart's bleeding. A lot.