What is "source memory" in Estonian! (ehk siis mõned psühhonaljad)

Two builders and their foreman working on a site. One whispers to the other..
"You know, if you tell him you're mad, they send you home, PAID!"
"Really?" says the second builder.
"Oh Yeah. Tell him you're a crackpot and its paid sick leave, mate"

So the second builder gets up and starts dancing round saying
"I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb!"
Which annoys the foreman, who goes over for a quiet word.

So the second builder leaves.. and as he goes the first one inquires..
"Where's he goin?"
"I sent him home" says the foreman.
"But I can't work in the dark!!

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A man has been going into the same pub every night for twenty years and havin one whiskey.One night he downs the whiskey and urinates all over the bar.the landlord decides to overlook it this once,with such a valued customer.
after seven nights he finaly throws him and out says,"you can only return if youve spent time with my brother in law,hes a therapist and hel help you".
Three months pass and the man retuns.The landlord says,"did you see my brother in law"? "Yes" says the man,"and he helped me more than you know". So the landlord serves him his whiskey.He downs it and once again urinates at the bar.
As the landlord ejects him he says "i thought you said my brother helped you with this"? the man replies......"oh he did!!,now i know WHY im doing it"!!!!

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A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. ~Jerome Lawrence

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Ralph and Edna were both patients n a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Director of Nurses became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the good news she said,
"Edna, I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are being discharged, since you were
able to respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
But he is dead."
Edna replied " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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A guy driving by a mental hospital discovered that he had a flat tire. He pulled over and preceded to change the tire. Much to his dismay, the tire rolled over and knocked the lug nuts down the drain. The man jumped up and down and strarted screaming...He looked over and saw a fellow leaning against the fence. The guy inside the fence said, "Hey fellow all you have to do is take off one nut from each tire and you should be able to get to a gas station" After this statement the guy with the flat tire says, "What are you doing in an insane asylum?" The patient says, "I may be crazy but I'm not stupid."

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After many years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified. "Why are you so afraid", his friend asked "you're not a grain of wheat after all," John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it

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Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged:
1. Schizophrena- Do You Hear What I Hear
2. MPD- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia- I Dont Know if ill be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Off ice and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......
6. Paranoid- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder- You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill Tell You Why
9. OCD- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....

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Why God never received a (Psychology) PhD:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
3. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
4. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
5. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
6. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
7. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
9. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
11. Some say he had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students for learning.
13. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
14. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top, without a hotel or heated pool

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What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

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Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

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One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:
"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"

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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!

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Experimental rat's point of view : "Hey, that's funny, every time I push the lever, the scientists writes something on his clipboard!"

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I took an IQ test, it said I was average. I think that was mean.

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Two psychologists pass each other in the hall. One says, "Good morning!". The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a penis?

Dammit! I mean lightbulb

-vihje- freudian slip

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A man went to a library and asked for a book - "Psycho-the rapist"But what he actually asked for was "Psychotherapist"

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As a Psychologist I fly around a lot for conferences and the like. I read an article in a newspaper that the chances of having a passenger on a plane with a bomb was one in a thousand. That seemed to high for comfort when you fly around a lot. Then I did a quick calculation and discovered that the probability of having two of them in one plane is one in a million. So I went out and got me a bomb!

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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

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How many psychologists are needed to change a light bulb?
None, the bulb needs to want change itself.

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A sign on Pavlov's door:"Don't ring! Knock!"

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

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From all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most...

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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

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A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.
While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."

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The levels of insanity:

1. Talks to self
2. Argues with self
3. Loses argument with self
4. Is no longer speaking to self

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Wanting to see who was getting better in a psych ward, a shrink paints a door on one of the walls and says, there's your door to freedom! They all rush at the painted fake door and bash into the wall, and keep getting up and trying to get out; doing it repeatedly. But one chap stands back with a smug look. The shrink approaches him to find out why, he smiles and says, "Damn madmen, don't they know I have the key!"

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After the college boy delivered the pizza to a trailer house, the man
asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other
guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so? Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five
dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked the man.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

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"if you are talking to God you are praying.
if God talks to you, you have shizophrenia"

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Naljad on pärit facebooki community'st "Psychology jokes for those who enough to get them".

Pealkirja kohta mainiks, et ühe psühholoogia õppejõu nimi on J. Allik.