12/20/2011

Mr Nobody in reality

0

I just realized the moment which was a big big crossroad in my life and where one decision in my life affected it in more ways than I could imagine.
It was some years ago, when I applied for EVS for the first time. I wanted to go to work with children in Italy in a place called Bari. I nearly got there but on the last minute I was told another girl was chosen for the project.
I would have gone to Italy in July 2009, the month where I had my first camp with people with learning disabilities. The camp, which had such an influence on me that I decided to volunteer in some other places and had the first idea of going to Maarja küla. If I had been in Italy at that time, I wouldn't have had that camp, I wouldn't had gone to the village, I wouldn't had met G, who changed my view on life in many ways, opened my eyes about lots of things and became my best friend. I would have never met Judith who has become a great friend of mine, all the other people in the village, would probably never have become such good friends with one of my classmates (Teele, yes, I'm talking about you), Kirke wouldn't have been my apartement mate and wouldn't have gotten to know my friends the way I knew them (probably), wouldn't have met people in Italian youth exchange and changed their lives. Two of my brilliant friends wouldn't have been introduced more closely to each other (because I was the one who introduced them) and they wouldn't probably have become a couple that they have been for about 2 years already (yes, Kerttu and Karl, I'm talking about you now).I would have never had the chance to apply for the EVS again and come to England. I would have probably never met so many so amazing people who, mostly, have turned me into who I am right now.
I would be a completely different person, maybe working with children or organizing youth projects or whatever... I know I would be a completely different person.
I started to imagine myself as this other person and I'm happy I didn't get the positive answer from Italy.  Imagining my life as it is described in the movie "Mr Nobody". Different timelines. Wow, this feeling right now is powerful. This tiny decision didn't change only my life..... A bit like a butterfly effect in some ways as well.
Things happen, when they are supposed to happen. I now believe in it. When there's something happening in your life (even if it's a tiny event or decision and it doesn't seem to be fair at the time), it is always good for something. You might understand it after a while (as time goes by), like I just did.
Now I understand why they say that there is something good in something bad.

Such a tiny decision, not controlled by me - and look where I am right now! Or where I could be if I had gone to Italy......
Successful, I'm sure, in both lives, but I think I'd rather have this one. Or, it's not the right way to say it.... I can't say it because if I had gone to Italy I wouldn't have known the other way- the life I have now. The life I absolutely love, with the deepest passion a person can have!
It's such a deep emotion that scares the hell out of me.....

That's Mr  Nobody in reality. In my life.

PS: I know there are many very important decisions in my life I've made, that have changed everything completely.Going to my high school could be counted as the most important decision as well. But, this was not a concrete moment in time, it was just a thought in the beginning and then developed and it was a decision I made in 3 years when I was 12-15 years old. But....  The Italian moment is more spectacular, because it's a tiny decision, not even under my own control, that changed so much. That milestone in my life was just so tiny step at that time but a big step for the whole life (Like "a small step for a human, but a big one for the humankind". - Louis Armstrong). I can't explain in words properly, how the fail of the first EVS attempt was the biggest change in my life, but I definetely know now, it was.

PS2: Another mystery solved- I have thought for a long time what could be the most important moment in my life and now it just appeared to me. Out of nowhere. Like the idea for my eye-tattoo (a simple drawing on my body which has a very important meaning to me as well).

And I believe in such visions, as one could call them. They are powerful. And they have to be right when they just appear to me the ways they do.

12/14/2011

Am I just begin paranoid?

3

After Putin's party won in Russia with obvious cheating (I mean 140% as the result of all the parties altogether in the elections), I've become a bit suspicious about everything. After Putin won, he told that USA has provoked the riots in Moscow and put all the blame on USA. Sounds like picking a fight? Oh alright.... Well, besides that, there were some news about Russia building some rocket thing near Kaliningrad a while ago. Some months ago. It was supposed to be a response for americans building a rocket shield somewhere near Belarus. But well.... Yeah. Don't want to comment on it. And also, Putin's government threatened to give up the contract they made to finish the cold war. The contract which limited the countries on producing senseless amounts of nuclear weapons. Hmmmm.....
Then there have been news about the Russians becoming better armed in military and improving their weapons. There have been years of trainings for young soldiers in Russia (hardcore trainings). Also, russian government has created militray bases near the border of Estonia. They have broken the airborder lots of times. The bronze soldier incident in Estonia a while ago.
It seems like the attacking of Georgia was some kind of a test to see how the world will react. And the test results seemed to be pretty good for the Russian government. So now they are moving on....
Trying new limits.....
Am I the only one who's actually feeling that this is not right. That there are lots of signs similar to what happened before WWII. (getting closer to Germany- the gas cable (yeah, Germany, I think, will be safe and not dangerous after the losses they had), spies in London who tried to get infromation from British parliament members, breaking the border with the planes, riots in Estonia (like october 1924), cyber attacks, georgia, the provocations, etc.....). There are lots of things to bring parallels with.
And to be honest, I'm scared.
I don't want to say this, but to me it seems, that the Russians are preparing for another war.
And it hurts to think about that. With all the technology people have now.
And well, EU seems to be like the second version of the Union of the worlds, which, as we know, tried to say to Germany, Italy, China and Russia that war is bad, the countries ignored the organization, stepped out of the organzation and there came the WWII. And the organization came to an end.
Lots of things...
People, open your eyes. Think about what I said.
Ain't it right?

12/12/2011

12/10/2011

If one thing becomes right, then the other goes wrong....

2

I've got a nice life here and I've got friends. And until now I also had a nice work. I still have it in most ways, but I feel that even though I have the freedom to express my opinion, no one listens because I am simply a volunteer and shouldn't have a say in important things. Also, I have realized that whatever faces people make at your work (co-workers), if they aren't happy by something you say or do, they don't tell it to you, but to the manager who then goes and talks to you. And even if they have told me some rules I haven't heard of before and I understand them when they are told to me, they still tell to the managers as well, who then come and have a strickt talk to me. Why do people have to talk behind my back? When something bothers me, then I say it to the person and won't involve other people into it. But no.... this is the way things work in the UK.
And is asking 4 questions really a criss-crossing? One of our workers was off for some weeks and I asked her what was wrong with her and if she's better now and how often can she work. She didn't want to talk about it much, so I abandoned the topic. And then she went and told the managers about me criss-crossing her. She could have said straight to my face to stop asking questions. No..... Instead, she went to the manager who then came and talked to me the following day (not the same day before I went home) when I got to work that I shouldn't ask people questions. Sweet. Nice start of the day. They really don't think that things like this affect the work, do they? I'd rather have conversations like this before I go home, so it wouldn't affect my work.  And.... how am I supposed to make friends, if I am not allowed to ask questions from people or try to be compassionate.
Never mind. I've decided to just talk to most of the people about work, nothing else. Nothing about my personal life. And to follow the rules.
Sometimes I also don't know what I should do. Some workers suggest me one thing and the other tells different and then when I try to find the best way by telling to one person the suggestions I got from the other I am being told off. And if I want to explain why I was suggested this option or why it could be good, I won't be able to do it, because the person I'm talking to just says they are not interested in what other people have to say about things and suggest and that they don't care.
So what should I do? Follow the rules, not ask questions, try not to channge people's attitudes (some people have not got the proper attitude towards work or when they do something wrong and I try to help them I'm being told off because I'm simply a volunteer who knows nothing - even if I have worked in the place longer than the person I'm trying to help and know some things actually more).
So a volunteer's life- no opinion, try to make friends but don't look like you are bothered and ask questions.
Hippocrytes- they tell me I do a brilliant job and then they talk behind my back, can't say things to my face, don't let me explain why I do things the way I do and don't take my opinion into account. Oh what's more- once when one of our residents died in the hospital I found out about it during a conversation with one of my co-workers. So yes- don't tell the volunteer the information she has to know about the residents she has to work with. Because she is just a VOLUNTEER.
I like the residents I work with and some of my co-workers are nice. But this is not the place I want to work permanently. The attitudes of people are wrong for me.
But I'lll also be a hippocryte and behave the way people behave towards me. What do I have to lose? Nothing- got only 1,5 months left to work here now.
And I will make my best for the residents have a nice time 'til I'm still here.
But yeah, fuck some of my co-workers (not all of them, just those ones who talk behind my back and can't say things straight to my face).

It already feels like it's time to move on. When smaller things start to annoy me more and more and I can't do anything to change them, then it's time for me to back off. Move on to other places. Try to make a difference to someone else's lives, where I'm actually allowed to do it. In a place where the volunteers actually feel like they are part of the staff, not just some people hanging around in the place as if they've got nothing better to do. Why waste my life on things like those when there are places I could actually do something and change things?

12/04/2011

Speed of time

1

I've noticed that recently all my co-workers have started to use more british humour with me and are trying to test how much I would understand. So far I've been doing quite well. I understand most of it. So they are testing me harder and harder. It's fun. We get to laugh a lot during our breaks. And the jokes are nasty and dirty. I love it! I had missed the irony and sarcasm a lot and now the brit humour has replaced it here.
I'm enjoying my time here.

And time is flying!
Can someone, please, slow down the time? I mean, if I could I would actually quite like to get stuck into this moment and not get out of it.
The beginning was hard- the first 3-4 months are the hardest and then you get used to the different life. And you start enjoying it properly. And then time flies and the nice time ends.
It will be replaced by some other great time, but this one I'm having here, I'll never get back again. Which is really sad.

Right now I'd like to jump off the train of time. Or pull the emergency stop button. It would be quite nice if we had those in our lives. To be the masters of our own time. To master the speed of it.

Because sometimes we all would like to speed the time up or slow it down, or even stop.
But we can't.
It's a shame.


12/03/2011