Exactly when you think you know it all, you discover you know nothing...... about yourself. About your future.

I cried when I left Estonia. I cried when I was supposed to laugh. I had promised myself I won't cry. I let myself down. I don't regret.
I waited hours in the airport. I flied, travelled.

Now that I'm back in here, I'm not crying. I'm calm. Calm in the inside. Calm in a happy way.
I have fallen in love. With the country. With the EVS. I have finally settled in. I have finally found my place in the world again. It took some time, but I have found it again. And I've realised that it won't last for too long. I will have this place only for another 6 months. Then everything is going to change again. And I don't know how it's going to change. What's going to happen. I thought I knew, but no.... I've no idea.

Now that I live in my new home, I'm a lot happier. I have a really nice roommate, who I can talk to. She has a car. I have a social life in here now. I've got loads of plans, there are lots of people to see. I have quite a busy life. I can't go to leisure centre yet, but I'm trying to start with it again sometime next week.
I have started to take some guitar lessons and have already had one. There will be another one next week. Even the first one made a big change- I can now play "Hallelujah" in the Jeff Buckley version a bit. I do my own stuff in the middle of it, but it sounds really nice.
As I now have a garden, then I spent the last weekend in there. The garden is full of bushes and is really overgrown and Timi and me decided to make it look nice again. So the last weekend was dedicated to it. Now we have some more square metres of walking space and soon (when I've got some time again) the garden will be really big. And we discovered we might even have a tiny pond in it. It was hidden in the bushes. Doing gardening has made my home a real home to me now. I have done some changes in my home myself and now I'd really like to stay in here. The gardening really turned the Lodge into a home.

Some people have asked me out. I've got more people to go out with now. I have seen the new Potter-movie. It was a lot better than I expected it to be. We went to see it quite spontaneously- it was a 5min decision. Good choice, I would say.

What else... I don't know. I have just realised that I'm living my English dream. I am actually living it. I have woken up. It's nice. It's time to enjoy it while I still can.
I am in love with the place I am living in. No miserable feelings any more. Right now I don't want to think about the time I have to go back home. I even don't want to contact people at home very much right now. I know that soon I will want to talk to them very much. But right now I have the peace in my mind and soul and I want it to be like that. So yeah, my friends, I might not talk to you that often in the following couple of weeks, but bear in mind- I haven't forgotten you. I just can't contact Estonia right now.

I know that I will have people waiting for me at home. I know that it will be really good to go home and things will still be the same. Different, but still the same. And I know that when I get back it won't feel that I've been away. Now I know how it feels to go home after being away for a long time. And I guess this gives me the peace in my mind that I have in here. I think that this visit home was the thing I needed to proceed with my life in the UK.

I don't want to think about the future. It will be good to go back home again in February. But I've just realised that time is flying so fast. I don't know if I want it to stop. Or go faster. Or with the same speed. I just don't know.
I don't know anything any more. Almost. The one thing I know, is that I want to travel more. Don't know where, or which way. But I don't want to stop.
And setteling down is definetely not for me either. When it feels like it, then maybe, but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I love travelling.

I would like to travel the whole world, all the continents. Maybe I will do it in the future? For a year? Or two? Work in one country for a while, earn some money, go to another, work there and so on and on and on. This plan has been in my mind since the trip to Ireland. And it's getting more and more clear in my mind and forming a shape. Nice, scary and attractive form.
I'm scared of it, but at the same time love it. Dare to dream and dare to make those dreams come true.

Isn't it my life motto- all the people like to dream, but only a few make their dreams come true. I belong to the last group.

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Mid-term in Derby

I just got back from my mid-term training in Derby. It was so good!

Firstly, I managed to get lost in Derby with a map. (not to mention the fact that Derby is a really tiny city with the population of just quarter a million) At least I had plenty of spare time to get to the hotel, so I managed to be there at exactly the right time. On my way I also met some EVS who went to on-arrival. It came out that on-arrival and mid-term were both at the same time. Cool.

It was so nice to see all the other volunteers again and talk to them and make plans and hear about how they have been doing. It seems that my project is one of the best ones- some of the people hadn't even seen their mentors, had problems with the accommodation, money etc. I also saw Gaye and well.... She obviously didn't want to talk to me, but I tried to find out why she had deleted me from her friends list. Not need to guess or what? Anyway, during our training we were supposed to analyse our projects and she told so many so bad things about St. Michael's. I'm not going to repeat them here. But really, some of the things she said made want to slap her to her face. They were so not true. And.... I think she was expecting everybody to do everything for her in here. Well, everybody did everything they could, but you have to be active yourself to have a great time. And obviously she hadn't read about the project very properly before she came here. But well... I'm not gonna bother myself with her anymore. I'm glad she left because this way I could move on and move to the Lodge with Timea. She is a lot more talkative and active person to live with.

As I said, during the training we had to analyse our projects, point out the best and the worst things. I could happily say, that there weren't many major bad things about my project. Good for me! We also had to thing about the emotional curve and for most of the people it was going towards the positive way.

On the first evening we went to a pub to have pub quiz. That was cool. We drank beer and answered to questions about UK and EVS. We stayed in the pub until it closed. There was a local ex-EVS volunteer who came to our training also to talk about his experiences. In the evening I had a nice talk with him. He was in Italy and did some youth work. And as all the EVS volunteers, he never wanted it to end. His EVS, I mean. But right now he is in an indie-rock band and has a job. But still, he wants back....

Yeah, about the end of the EVS - It's 6 months left for me to be in this country. A bit more, but basically only 6. On the second day we talked about the youth pass that we have to write after our project has ended. We also did the mid-term evaluation about our projects.
Then we had to thing about where we're gonna be in 1 years time, so in July 2012. I have been a bit confused about lots of things recently but then I got really confused. I realised, I don't want to study psychology anymore and want to just change it into special studies. But I can't. I have to finish it, I have only 70 EAP left. Oh, crap..... I realised I didn't want to go to school at all, but just go and travel around a bit more. And more. And more.....

In the evening we went out to see one of the volunteers performing in an open-mic night. We saw lots of other bands as well. Most of them were awful. I wanted to run out of the room screaming. The volunteer who performed, did it really well, and it was great to hear it. During one of the performances some random people got on the stage, being really drunk, and just yelled into the mic and danced around all the time. It was a bit weird to look at it but funny at the same time. I just stood there during the whole show they made and watched it with my mouth wide open. After the open-mic we went to one club, but it didn't have many people in it, so we wanted to find another place to go but eventually all the people just headed back to the hotel and went back to sleep.

On the third day we spoke about our future opportunities and different projects which will allow you to live on the money of Europe for some years if you're really lucky. I'm definetely planning to take part in some of the projects. Yeah... if I only didn't have to go to uni again.

We were supposed to send a picture to the trainers before the training and then on the last day we were given a frame and we had to decorate it and put our picture into it. I had chosen the picture we made in Cardiff about a week ago with all the people watching at the camera. Lots of noses.... We also had to talk why we chose exactly this picture.

To end our training, we made a group picture and then had the last lunch together and then everybody started to go away to catch their trains....

On the first weekend of August I will go to Gloucester to see some of the volunteers who live there. They live right next to the Forest of Dean. Aaahhh! So cool! I am really looking forward to it.
And also..... We are planning with one girl to go to Scotland :) Even better! Now we've got really nice plans :)

I am glad that we had our training, but it was too short. And it was a bit sad also, because the training meant, that we have so little time left in the country now...... And some of the people I saw for the last time...

Time to think about moving on... Again.

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Judith in the UK and the meeting in Cardiff, birthday

As soon as I got back to UK, there was Judith waiting for me in the airport. Timea came to pick us both up and we went to Axbridge. We stayed up very late, just talking and talking and I was really exhausted when I finally got to sleep.
The following day me and Judith went to the Gorge, ate some Indian food and then headed to Weston to have a look around.

It was really nice to see Judith in here, in the UK. She is the second volunteer who I've seen more than once after their EVS ended and she's also one of the village ex-EVS people who I've talked most since they left.

So I was really really glad to see her. Sorry for not being too detailed about the visit, but I'm just a bit tired from today and want to make as many posts as possible still.

Anyway. In Weston, we made a big picture to the sand for the tide to wash it away as the water comes back. It was about our meeting in Cardiff. Yeah. After our tiny trip in Weston, we went by train to Cardiff where we met in the train station Huko (yeah, not G). Together with Huko we went to G's place where were Liisu, G, and G's friend Becky were already waiting for us. We drank some skrumpy, talked. It was the international Maarja Küla employers-EVS meeting in Cardiff. Who would've imagined that something like this will ever happen? Not me. Anyway.... We went out to Cardiff, to different pubs, enjoyed our time out. The following day Liisu and Huko left early to go back to Estonia and G went to work. So me and Judith had a breakfast in Wetherspoons (one of the cheapest places to eat in UK) and wandered around in Cardiff. Then I had to go back to Axbridge.

But on Wednesday, Judith came here again. There was also one Hungarian girl visiting us and then all four of us (Timi also) drank some wine, talked, played some games and ate my birthday cake, because it was the evening before my birthday. Oh, it was so cool. Judith made some pasta, also! And she gave me a card from G - it's almost like a book, with many pages. I've never seen a b-day card so big! But it's lovely!
Me and Judith stayed up quite late and recorded some videos for the other EVS volunteers and then went to sleep. The following morning Timi took Judith to the airport and we said goodbye in the airport. Oh, I'm so glad to have Timi in here. She is so cool and helpful and lovely! I have to make a cake for her or sth.....

After Judith left there was still a bit time until we had to go to work, so I had a quick bath and cleaned all the dishes.

At work, everybody just came to me with cards! I was so suprised. Some of the residents had made their own personalized cards and it was so so lovely! And my co-workers also gave me some cards. Then, at lunchtime, there was supposed to be fish&chips. I found out when the lunch started that it was because of me! Aaaahhhh. Everybody just gathered to the dining room, they sang happy birthday to me and gave me a present- a bracelet and a shirt made out of local cotton. Really soft one. And then we all ate together and had a taste of my apple-tear cake as well. Everybody loved it! Hihi! It was such a lovely day. I have got all the cards up on my wall right now.
Besides the gifts from the whole staff, some co-workers gave me small personalised gifts too- a book about south-west England, candies, earrings. It was such a lovely day!

In the evening I just took it easy and relaxed because I was so tired.
My phone rang constantly, I had huge amounts of greetings in Facebook...

My birthday was a lot nicer in here than I expected it to be. It was actually really beautiful! Thank you all for making it so nice!

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The most beautiful sunsets in the world....

During my whole stay in Estonia, there were really nice sunsets almost every evening. I saw all of them. I loved them. They were just beautiful.

My stay in Estonia was altogether more than astonishing! When I went to my friends' place after arriving to the country, I was the VIP guest and wasn't allowed to do anything. They had made food for me, and I got to tick off the last day in the calendar which counted the days until my visit home. We went to Zavood, had a great time there- I've got the pictures that are for the proof. The following day we walked around in hot and sunny Tartu old town, had ice creams (or coctails), went to shops, took pictures. Then we went to Tiina's place where we played carcassonne, ate my birthday cake, salad, sausages. I taught my friends to sing "Combine harvester" and they absolutely loved the song. Then they sent me to the coach station and gave me big-big hugs. It was such a lovely time.

From the coach station I went to the village where all the inhabitants greeted me. When I stepped into Sõbra maja, then one of the inhabitants jumped to my lap and hugged me so tight. Everybody greeted me and I just sat there. The life seemed to go on as if I had never been away. For them. For the next 24hrs I felt as if I had been away, although no-one else thought so. The volunteers community that I had been expecting to see, wasn't the same. The sauna-parties were quiet and ended early. Not what I expected.

Then the following day I worked in the Estonian house. Most of the people working there were the ones I hadn't worked with much. It was different. But... I was invited to take part in the rehabilitation camp trip out to Värska water park. We had much fun there, went to sauna, enjoyed bubble baths. After that trip out I felt like home again.

The following day I was working in the Swedish house. Although I wasn't supposed to me in the toimkond, I was in it for the whole day. I made Tikka Masala which the inhabitants adored and also made the cake. Everybody took 3 pieces :) I was a bit sad that I had to be in the house alone a lot, but then again I walked around in the village a lot and talked to all the people. And by that time, most of the people I wanted to see very much, had arrived to the village. Home.

Then on Friday morning my parents came to pick me up and I went to Rõuge. Had a chat with my youth club and updated them about my life. Then at home, I went for a walk with my dog and discovered he had gotten old during those 4 months I had been away. It was sad to see that. I sunbathed a little bit, jumped on the trampouline and then all my relatives came to celebrate me and my sister's birthday. By the way, when I first saw my sis, I didn't recognize her- she had turned into a babe. Really. Amazing.

In the evening I talked to all my relatives, drank some rum, ate a lot. Oh I love Estonian food!
And one of my relatives had a huge baby-tummy. Incredible.

Then, on Saturday I was working in the Sõbra maja in the village. I helped them to clean, watched little-Laura play guitar, made cake, went to Kiidjärve for a swim with Little-Laura and some inhabitants. In the evening we enjoyed a proper sauna. We watched the singing festival opening from TV. I am really happy that Little Laura will be in the village when I get back. She is so cool. :)

The following morning I drove very early to Tartu where I left my car and continued my trip on bus to Tallinn. In Tallinn I went to the place where my choir was supposed to gather for the parade. It was a hot day and it was especially hot because of the traditional clothes I had to wear. The parade was nice, we sang during most of it, I had no voice, though. Quite in the beginning of it, I twisted my ankle- again. And of course very badly. So it's still swollen up and hurts a bit. But the singing festival was lovely. I saw Teele and Sillu, my syrreal friends and Karo. I tried to predict all the songs that will be repeated from our set of songs and most of them were repeated. Oh, I almost forgot, I saw my godmother also, who gave me a lovely handwatch. But back to the singing festival- the rock songs were really good. I loved them. I loved the singing festival! It was tiny, though, compared to the last one. Lots of space on the stage- just 2 rows of people on one step, last time it was the double amount. When the singing festival ended, then people wanted to sing "Ta lendab mesipuu poole" because it was originally left out from this year's list. But then everybody just shouted to sing it, and the conductor came on the stage and started to conduct us. We sang with multiple voices, no need to teach us the song. :)
After the singing festival me and Karo walked to the bus station (in the beginning there were Kaie and Kerttu also with us but they went different directions) and also had some pizza before we drove to Tartu. I took Karo back to the village. It was all foggy- actually the fog was so thick that I couldn't see to drive properly. I got home around 3:30 and the sun started to come up already.

The next day I went to Võru, cut my hair and then went to see Maris and Maive. It was so great to see them. The only thing was that they were the only people about who I felt that I had been away for a little while. I stayed overnight at Maris's place with Maive, drank some wine, talked. It was nice to see them also. Maris cooked some typical Estonian food. Ohhhh, it was so good :) I love Estonia.

The next couple of days I was at home. I helped my parents with the gardening, collected some honey with my auntie and just relaxed. On Thursday we went to Tartu. I got to drive and almost got into accident on the roundabout. It was probably mostly the other driver's fault, but I had my part in it, also. But still, mostly it was the other driver who didn't see me and wanted to get off the roundabout from the inner lane. I was in the outer one.

We had some ice cream in Tartu and ate in Ränduri pub that's on top of the coach station. The waitress poured Guinness over us by mistake. Such a funny day. :)

In the evening I went to stay at my friend's place and we made some green and blue stripes into my hair. Unfortunately they have vanished so quickly- within 2 washes the biggest part of it was gone. We drank some rum and Vana Tallinn and then went to Zavood. Again. It was lovely over there. We didn't go to sleep that night, met some nice guys. There was also a guy who looked like from the movie "Into the wild". I asked him if he had seen the movie, but unfortunately not. But I gave him my e-mail addres. Sadly, he hasn't written me. I told him I live in the UK. Would've been nice to write with him, I think. But well, what's not supposed to be, is not supposed to be.

There were 2 guys who sat into our table and one of them was supposed to go to Australia soon. Interesting people. When Zavood closed, we went to collect my things for the apartement and then headed to the coach station. Before the bus drove off towards Riga, those guys also came to the coach station. To send me off. So beautiful! Such a lovely surprise. Unfortunately my friends went away from the station too quickly, so I don't have the contacts of those guys. Well, if we're supposed to meet again, then it will happen. I'd like to see this Australian guy again and hear about his trip.

Oh and also, before I went away from Estonia, I saw the sunrise.

I arrived with the sunset and left with the sunrise.
Then I drove to Riga where I had to stay the whole day in the airport and just try to sleep. Not very comfortable...

And then... with sadness in my soul, I took off to go back to Axbridge....

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The best feeling in the world.....

.... is to come home after you've been away for a long time. Especially if you are welcomed the way I was.

Firstly, when I crossed the border of Estonia and Latvia, the sun was setting. It was the most beautiful sunset I have ever witnessed in my entire life. It was the Estonian sunset.
Then, I saw some old remainings of the buildings and also some apartements from the Soviet-era. Yes, I got home. I was so happy to see those buildings and drive in the beautiful sunset. I have never considered such tiny things so important, but they are. I was also happy to see the pine trees because I don't have them in my place in UK.

Then, I got to Tartu. And when the bus came to a halt in the coach station, my friends were already waiting over there. With a big sign saying "Be welcome, Maria". And they all had kohuke in their hands. I felt like a movie star. They took pictures when I stepped off the bus and hugged me. I have never felt so good before. I had no breath (and I'm not exaggerating) and was drowning of tears of joy. Seeing my friends made me feel as if I had never been away. And have felt like this during my whole visit so far. It's just too good.

Then I went to the village. I stepped into Sõbra maja and they were having dinner at the same time. One of the inhabitants just jumped up and hugged me so hard, didn't say a thing and just hugged me for a long time. A lot of people hugged me the same way. In the beginning the village seemed like some strange place and I felt that I had been away. But then, after couple of hours it was all the ways the same as before. And everybody told me that they felt I had never been away. I felt the same.

And I had the same feelings when I got home, went to see my friends in Võru and saw my relatives also. I hadn't been away.


And now, that I'm about to go back to UK, I don't feel sad about going away. I will be gone for 7 months. I know that while I am staying in there, the time can go slowly. And I know I will miss home. But I also know the feeling that I will have when I come back. I also know what's going to happen in the UK. I know everything. And the knowlegdge, that everything (almost) will be the same when I come home, that people are waiting for me to come and that I have so many friends in here waiting for me and wishing the best for me, will cheer me up. I might cry when I leave, but I will handle it in the UK a lot better than I did when I went there in March.

I know that coming home is the best feeling in the world. I guess it's the thing that makes travelling so exiting and enjoyable. Coming home.

I know where my heart is.

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Glastonbury

Oh my God! I'm gonna swear in the way that Americans swear now. I went to Glastonbury! I loved it! I want to go again!

My day started at 7:15 when I went to work to get the residents ready to go and get them into the van and go off. There were 3 residents and 3 carers, including me. Getting to the parking area in Glasto wasn't the easiest one, but after about an hour of struggling, we were in the disabled camp and had processed our tickets into wristbands. Then we loaded people off and started heading towards the main stage- Pyramid. It was a bit muddy and I had to push the only manual chair. Luckily there were two really nice lads who helped me to the disabled ramp near the stage. Aww, bless them. Then I waited for the two other residents to come to the ramp, because it took a bit more time for them to come as they didn't have the lads and they also thought I got lost. But we sorted it all out.
So.... The sun was shining, it was a lovely day. We had the meals and sorted everything out and then just enjoyed the music. I listened to Fisherman's Friends, The Low Anthem, Don McLean. When Don McLean got on the stage, I walked down to the stage and took a closer picture oh him. He played "American Pie" and I recorded it. Lovely! Absolutely lovely!
Then after the American Pie I was given some time to wander around so I decided to go the the stage named John Peel and see OK Go. Before they got on the stage I saw a little bit of the Joy Formidable, who were really powerful and loud.
Then. About OK Go! They are so cool!!! Although they didn't dance on the stage, their performance was magnificient. The sound was good, and they communicated with the audience a lot. They sang songs with us and asked us to sing along. The singer asked during the song "Here it goes again" if someone played guitar and then invited one guy on the stage, handed him his guitar and showed which chords to play and then the guy played with the band and the singer sang! It was so coool! And then after some more songs, the singer asked us to sing along to one of their songs and then got off the stage and stood on the barrier right in front of me and sang there and then he went swimming into the audience. I touched him- he was right above me. The swim didn't last long because there wasn't very many people so he got back to the stage quite soon. But it was just brilliant! I love Ok Go. And I got to see all their most famous songs! Ahhhh! I loved them!

After Ok Go finished, I went back to our place, although it took time, because it was mud everywhere. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

I saw Paul Simon and Plan B then after them, I saw Pendulum! Damn, they were good! I really liked them! I danced along to them.

And then in the evening I also saw Beyonce. I was stunned that I knew so many of her songs! But the show was great, she went and shook the hands of the people in the first row. And it was huge! 175 ooo people just watching her. It's almost 1/10 of Estonian population! And you could see it in front of you. Amazing.

I just got home about 2 hrs ago and now am staying up because I don't find much point in going to bed that late any more. I'm still going to Estonia in 4 hrs time! Ahhhh!
Brilliant!

I am so happy right now!
Glastonbury was just so cool, massive, muddy and a proper festival! Ahhhh! So so so unbelievable and cool. I've got loads of videos and nice pictures. My camera's battery died right before Beyonce came on the stage, but I don't mind. I will get the pictures from the internet.

Glastonbury is just amazing! I love it!

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The past and the present and the future

I had a nostalgic moment today when I looked at the old photos taken a little time before I came to UK.
It made me realise that I might have missed so many so great things. But life's like "Mr. Nobody" movie. You just choose one path. You can never know what could have happened.
Still, it's nice to have the past that I have. Although it would be sometimes nice to know where I'd be now if I hadn't come to UK.
I guess I might figure some things out when I go home.
Remembering the past is always important.
It just sometimes makes me sad that certain things have passed and will never come back. That some things will never be the same.

But well.
I hope I've made the right decisions in my life so far and that I will continue making them.

I can't wait to go home. To see my friends and family.
2 more days to go.

This week has been crazy busy- work, POVA training, guitar singalong, leisure centre, moving. I'll go to Bristol tomorrow, Glastonbury on Sunday.

Still, sometimes I try to imagine my life in Estonia. I look through the window that my friends sent me in post and try to be back. But sometimes I feel like I've forgotten things. The way things smell, look like.

Life in Estonia seems like some surreal, distant thing.
I guess when I'll be in Estonia, then life in here seems to be some dream that I've had for a long time.

I hope I haven't changed too much in those past 4 months.

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My new home

I've not completely settled myself in, in my new apartement. It's lovely. I don't feel like living in a guesthouse anymore. It's not a perfect 5-star hotel-style place and I love it. The floor has got some candle wax dripped on it, the walls aren't the cleanest, there are spiderwebs all over the place (or were, now I got rid of them- revenge from to spiders?). The toaster doesn't work perfectly- it burns the toast from one side. I can't have a shower, only bath, because from the shower there comes only cold water. It's not all renovated. And it's a bit messy, just like a home should be. I don't have to worry about people coming to my room, I don't hear people being hoisted at 8am on Saturday. I have wifi in here.
And still, the best of all- I have a kitchen! And I've tried it out. I made pasta with spinach and cheese on Sunday. Absolutely brilliant. And I have two apartement-mates who are talkative.

I can say that I'm a lot happier now that I've moved away from the St. Michael's home. The gatehouse lodge is cosy. All the tiny not-properly-working things that I have here, make the place home.

Home is a place that's not perfect. It has it's own faulties and mistakes. But that's what makes a home a home. It's not supposed to be for showing, it's supposed to be for living.

And I can burn candles here!

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Format C:

Yeah, exactly.

I have no idea what happened but I tried to get some guitar chords yesterday from the internet and then all of a sudden my computer told me that it can't get any information from my hard drive. What's more beautiful- my hard drive failed. Hmmm. Lovely.
So I had no other option than to just do format C: and load everything on again. The problem is- I don't have a good internet at the moment. So... I can't download all the programs I had. I'm hoping to do it tomorrow evening, but who knows.
It's quite a perfect time for my computer to fail like this- I just had to do some guitar stuff in here and now I can't do it. But the good side of it is that my in the bigger plan my computer will be working well again and I am just going home from where I can bring all the CD's with the programs I left home. So that's good.

But it's still annoying.

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I'm a visitor in my own home.

I had a dream last night. I didn't want to wake up.
I had just arrived home but somehow it was also the village and my sis had just told me hello, and then all the volunteers in the village came into my room to say hi to me. I hugged everybody and then told I had just had amazing time with my friends and that I was so glad to see all of them. And then we went to the river to have a swim. Naked swim. All in the moonlight. It was so beautiful and lovely.

I can't wait to visit home. 8 days left.

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